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Hello and welcome. I am Professor Maxwell Lovejoy, BA, DipEd, MSc, and PhD in L.O.V.E; Founder and Dean of The Romance Academy.
My research into the history of human courtship has revealed an alarming decline in the capacity of males to fulfill their most important evolutionary function: The ability to romance a female.
Ho-mo-sap-i-ens, Latin for "wise man" or "knowing man", are bipedal primates belonging to the great apes family. The name refers to our highly developed brain, capable of fine displays of speech, reason and self-knowledge.
Sadly today, Romanticus – otherwise known as The Romantic - has become endangered. Its habitat has been overrun by an inferior creature – Thugus Ignoramus otherwise known as The Neanderthal.
This ignorant barbarian is most easily differentiated from the threatened Romantic species by the tiny brain, around the size of a frozen pea, located in the groin region. Further genetic mutations include inappropriate anti-social behavior such as wolf whistling, horn honking and bum pinching.
If something isn’t done soon, romance will disappear forever and the romantic species, once in plentiful abundance, will be cast into irreversible extinction.
In order to prevent extinction, I, Professor Maxwell will be hosting lessons in the preservation of romance here at the Romance Academy over the coming weeks. Each lesson will be co-hosted by my delightful colleague, famous Writer and Romance Expert, Ms Samantha Brett.
Here at the Academy we pride ourselves on our academic reputation. In just four short lessons, all of our students will graduate with world-class qualifications and the Academy’s highest honour, Masters of Romance.
Not to mention the chance to win some fantastic prizes for emotional excellence, including a $2000 Westfield Shopping Spree thanks to the new Impulse True Love fragrance, or roses for a year thanks to Roses Only.
Each weekly lesson will focus on one of four different species of Romanticus – otherwise known as the Romantic. Firstly, Romanticus Giftus, otherwise known as The Giver. Secondly, Romanticus Occasium or The Occasionist. Thirdly, Romanticus Communicatum or The Wordsmith. And finally, Romanticus Do-mostus or The Doer.
This academic year, I take special pleasure in announcing our affiliation with Writer and Romance Expert, the enchanting Ms Samantha Brett. Her field research on the street will supplement my own, shall we say, expertise.
I look forward to your participation in class.